Ascension revision
by sleepersamizdat
Summary: What if, when Rorschach hits rock bottom, he chooses to go up instead of away? Every fan of the Nite Owl/Rorschach pairing has a different idea of how they finally got together. This is my interpretation of how it went down. No pun intended. New Revision
1. Bottom of the Owl's Nest

_This piece has been very popular and is dear to my heart. Looking over it I saw some parts that I felt deserved a little more work. (Chapter 6 felt a little unfinished and Chapter 7 . . . well, I thought I could do better than that.) This is a revision. Reviews are welcome._

Daniel didn't know where it came from.

The night started out usual enough, whatever usual meant these days.

During these patrols, he used to really feel alive and fulfilled with a wonderful sense of purpose and place in the world. That seemed to have changed and he couldn't pin point the exact time when it all fell apart. Maybe it was the realization that every criminal they put away on the streets left a void that would be filled, sometimes even doubled, by the next potentials in line. Maybe it was the change in sentiment towards masks that had been fluttering and then steadily blowing its way across the newspapers and television newscasts. Maybe it was the constant fractured feeling within the mask community, each going in different directions and rarely operating as a team any more. He and Rorschach felt like hold outs.

Then, Rorschach came back from a missing child case one night. Maybe it was that event that changed it all in their world. Daniel knew that in reality it was all of them. A tipping point had been initiated. He felt for all the world like the little Dutch boy. The straw finally broke when Rorschach had another berserk episode and this time it coincided with the police and it had not ended well.

The police had arrived on the scene as Nite Owl and Rorschach were disarming a smuggling on the docks. Rorschach was ringing a thug's neck as the sirens blared overhead. Enforcement had stepped in but he continued to throttle the life out of the man. True enough, the criminal did take a shot at his partner with a pistol but the firearm had been disposed of and the cops were waiting with handcuffs. Dan knew it started to spiral out of control when officers began yelling for Rorschach to let go and step away. Nite Owl tried to approach Rorschach to disengage him but a ring of three cops with aimed guns closed in ahead of him. For a frightening moment, the thug turned an unnatural shade of purple but then a gun muzzle from one of New York's finest tapped at Rorschach's temple and the mask snapped into self-preservation mode. Like lightening he had seized both the gun and the officer. The criminal lay motionless at their feet and Rorschach had the officer's own gun aimed back at him with his arm locked around the officer's throat. The patterns in his mask were gesticulating in jagged angry streaks. "RORSCHACH!" Nite Owl bellowed. The patterns shattered and began to swirl wildly as Rorschach looked around. He seemed to regain his sense of place but still held the cop hostage as he backed up against the ledge where they had been fighting. He released his hold on the cop just as he dropped off the ledge and into the shadows. The enforcement gave Nite Owl silent sour looks as he tried to make excuses for his partner's behavior.

Now, he felt trapped within the confines of the Owl's Nest as a scenario began to unfold more akin to lancing a festering sore than two friends having a quarrel. It had been two weeks since Daniel had seen Rorschach drop into the shadows. He always ran to ground after one of his episodes but they were becoming more and more frequent. Nite Owl hadn't bothered seeking him out this time around. He was still angry. He figured he'd come slinking back as usual after he'd gotten a hold of himself again.

While making repairs to a coupling from Archie at his workbench, a movement in the shadows caught his eye. He chose to ignore it. Years of working the streets had honed his senses to respond to subtle changes and movements. This instance was not suspicious. He knew exactly who it was and why they didn't reveal themselves immediately. After what felt like 45 minutes the shadowed form disengaged itself from the dark of the tunnel entrance. Daniel went so far as to turn his back on the darkness. He heard the clipped noise of old dress shoes approaching on cement. He didn't remove his attention from the mechanics in front of him. The shoes stopped a few feet behind him and waited. After about ten minutes, he could hear the sound of worn leather. He knew this to be a pair of gloved hands flexing in irritation. Still, he continued focusing on the repairs he needed to make on his ship. The sole of a foot slid across the gritty floor as a body turned. The sound of old dress shoes clipping against the flooring echoed again as it receded to the exit of the Owl's Nest. Pissed, Dan flung his screwdriver down and pushed his chair back to see Rorschach's back heading for the exit. Rorschach stopped and tilted his head. "You coming or is it going to be a solo night tonight?" He spat gruffly.

"I don't know. Do you think you can refrain from killing cops tonight?" Daniel spat back. "I'll try to stay out of your way. I don't want to be next."

Black shapes began to bleed over the entirety of Rorschach's mask and he squared his shoulders as he stomped out of the Owl's Nest.

"Fine. Run away from your problems, coward." Daniel muttered as he returned to his workbench. He spun back around as he heard a light rapid cadence behind him. Rorschach had run full tilt back into the Owl's Nest and was airborne as he launched himself at Daniel. Daniel had leapt to his feet but Rorschach was all over him as they crashed back into Daniel's workbench, scattering parts, shattering the wooden table, and landing flat on the concrete. Rorschach had fists full of Daniel's sweater vest as he seethed, "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

Gasping from shock but unafraid, Daniel looked Rorschach in the face. "I said you're a coward for running away from your problems."

Rorschach quickly drew a hand back into a fist and held it up threateningly as if to start pummeling Daniel.

"Oh yeah, yeah, start hitting me. Beating your friend's face in is going to solve everything. In fact, with all the shit going down around us, it's going to help loads!"

"Don't patronize me." Rorschach hissed through his teeth.

"Then don't act like an ass!"

Rorschach's fist slammed down across Daniel's face, knocking his glasses across the Owl's Nest, and instigating a torrent of blood from Daniel's nose. Daniel sputtered and coughed but didn't struggle to get up. He choked, "Godammit, Rorschach!"

Rorschach reared back again, "YOU WANT ANOTHER?"

Daniel just lay on the floor. He wasn't looking at Rorschach anymore. His head rested on the concrete and he could see the underbelly of Archie. He shook his head back and forth as blood ran down his face and down his throat. Coughing and gasping he moaned, "Where did I go wrong? How the hell did it come to this?"

The black storm receded from Rorschach's face. He slowly lowered his fist.

Daniel didn't move. It was as if he was defeated and didn't have the initiative to get off the floor.

Rorschach rose from sitting on Daniel's chest and took a few steps back. He had ceased to take insults seriously when he began practicing vigilante justice. Insults were empty threats from petty criminals who knew they were on the losing end. Daniel was above insults, until now. He was above striking Daniel, until now. Daniel's questions voiced the nagging that had been chewing on the back on his consciousness ever since that night he bathed in ash.

He was so angry all the time. He had reason. Then why did it feel like he was on the wrong path? What changed from those days when lines were cut and drawn so clearly? Why was everything turning against them? Why did that matter? Why was his only friend becoming distant? Why did he still have the need for a friend? Wasn't he supposed to be impervious to need? He wanted to run from the Owl's Nest and never come back, but then that would prove Daniel right and his punch would be defending no one's honor.

Daniel sighed and swallowed more blood. "You know the root of all the problems humanity's got these days is no one gives a shit about anybody. I don't know why I bother." He turned his head and spat out a blood clot.

Rorschach backed up another step. "Maybe you should sit up before you suffocate."

Daniel coughed again, "Save you the trouble of doing it yourself?"

Rorschach growled and took a few more steps towards the exit. Dan finally resolved to sit up and prop his elbow on his knee as he pinched his flowing, possibly broken, nose. The side of his face was rapidly beginning to swell and there was a fresh abrasion on his brow where his head had raked the concrete. "What the hell, man? I thought we were friends."

Rorschach looked trapped.

Dan continued, "You're supposed to love your friends not beat the shit out of them."

Rorschach's blots whirled in anxiety at a conversation he'd rather not be having.

"Don't say that word."

Daniel snorted through his open mouth. "That's the problem with the world right now."

Rorschach growled, "Problem is scum who spreads degenerate habits in this city with no accountability."

"Oh, and I suppose you're just the individual to set it right? Look at you! You can't even take care of yourself and you lash out at people who try to help!" Daniel gestured to his shabby coat and lean demeanor.

Rorschach did his best to look affronted. Daniel released his nose to see if it stopped. "I only tell you this shit because I love you."

"DON'T SAY THAT!"

Daniel just flicked his hand as if to say _whatever_. "What? You don't think you should experience love? How can we justify cleaning up 'degenerates' if our own lives are just as deprived?"

Rorschach was becoming angry again but Walter was creeping through his speech. "You can't say that word."

Daniel was wiping his face with the back of his hand. "Oh, yeah? Why not?"

"You can't say that word unless you mean it."

"Who the fuck said I didn't?"

Rorschach felt kicked in the gut. Visions of Sylvia back handing him through the living room flooded his mind and he found it hard to breathe. He stumbled as he pulled up the bottom of his mask. He was going to vomit. Just as he felt that he might, the floor came rushing up at him and everything went dark.

Daniel squinted as he tested his nose. What the hell was his partner's hang up, anyway? He was done being delicate. If everyone, Rorschach included, was going to be a total dick then to hell with it. He was going to speak his mind. Where the hell does he get off, _you can't say that word unless you mean it_? Where the hell did that kind of preschool thinking come from? From the corner of his blurry vision he saw the figure of his partner falter and he heard heavy breathing as if someone was hyperventilating. "Rorschach?" he said and then he saw the figure drop to its knees with a painful crunch and begin to fall face first to the floor. Dan scrambled to his feet and caught his partner before his skull could smash into the concrete.


	2. At the Stairwell

Everything was dark, comfortable, and black, and then his senses began to surface. Someone was shaking him.

"Rorschach! Rorschach!" Daniel was covered in blood and shaking him by the lapels. "Jesus, man! You passed out! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Daniel propped him up against the stairwell. Rorschach still felt dizzy and remained sitting, sucking air, his mask tugged up to the bridge of his nose.

"If I hadn't caught you, you'd have smashed your face open."

Rorschach tried to remember how he had gotten here and why he had lost consciousness. He couldn't feel his own arms and his head swam from the black out. His head lolled back to look up at Daniel's swollen eye and nose. Crimson bled in huge swathes down his wool sweater vest. _How did? -Oh, wait- _Short-term memory began to blossom back into focus.

"Should have let me."

Daniel glared at him. "That's not what friends do, okay? Have you eaten today?" Looking at the tattered trench coat and his partner's grizzled jaw he said, "Have you eaten this week?"

Rorschach flushed red and struggled to get up but he still fought lingering vertigo.

"Sit down before you fall down!" ordered Daniel through a clogged nose.

"Don't need your charity, Daniel." His voice cracked.

Dan released his lapels in shock. He'd never heard that tone in Rorschach's voice before. Rorschach himself was appalled at the slip. He drew himself up tight against the stairwell to try to staunch the control leaking out from the seams of his façade. This weakness was unacceptable and he would have to give himself a thorough beating when he left. But first, control. Breath in. Breath out. Walter was told to shrivel up and die in the corner of his consciousness. There was no room for him and he must learn to obey. He clenched his teeth and inhaled as feeling returned to his fingers and hands. He clutched them into the canvas of his worn coat.

Daniel was stunned at his friend's errant show of humanity. "I-I'm not offering charity. I'm your friend. It's what friends do." He coaxed. "C- Come on buddy. Let's-let's just get you some food." Trying to nudge him up, Daniel touched the side of Rorschach's arm and Rorschach flinched. Dan drew back quickly.

Rorschach raged consternations through his mind and Walter became overwhelmed. Daniel was too close. Daniel was covered in blood. Daniel was covered in blood because of his outburst and yet Daniel continued his unrelenting shows of concern for him. It perplexed him that Daniel should risk more abuse by persisting the way he did. He couldn't understand how Daniel could retain his unconditional generosity after having his face smashed in. After all the filth and desecration they witness from humanity on a nightly basis, how was he not eaten alive with cynicism and indignation the way Walter was? The question of how Daniel developed such an innate faith in him was at the forefront of his mind. Then he considered how Daniel's nose might be broken. Rorschach couldn't save Daniel from himself. The blood smeared across Daniel's hands and mouth reminded him of another moment that tasted like ash. Memories drifted to dogs fighting over a femur and singed girl's panties peeking from a stove. He felt that panic of _oh, god_ constricting in his throat. There was nothing he could do. He was too late. He rained violent retribution down on the filth that roamed the streets. He'd done penance to his mortal flesh with denial of comforts like food and sleep. He slept out in the icy rain. His punishment was relentless. Nothing. Nothing took away the aching pit of utter failure that engulfed him. Nothing would bring back the little girl and even if it were possible, he could not take away the suffering and horror she endured before she died. So, his penitence was never ending and even then, it was never enough.

Daniel had knelt in front of him. Fat tears streamed out from under the black and white latex. The breathing wasn't working. It wasn't working. _I can't control this. I can't control me._ His mind panicked. His breath hitched as his inner turmoil mounted like floodwaters.

"Look, I'm sorry, Rorschach. You're my friend." Dan was stuttering in confusion. "I just want to help."

"C-Can't breathe . . ." Rorschach said more to himself than to Daniel.

Without asking, Daniel began to loosen the scarf around Rorschach's neck. He flinched but made no effort to stop Daniel. But, when his friend removed his fedora and made motions to shift his mask up further, Rorschach's hands shot up to grab Dan's wrists.

"You need to get enough air." Daniel said in a voice that was unsure. His hands hovered near the sides of Rorschach's face.

Rorschach seethed and Walter felt the sting of shame lash him over and over again. He felt the hesitancy of Daniel's arms through his wrists and a new punishment was meted out in his mind. He felt a sensation of disgust from Rorschach. Rorschach should not have to bear him as a burden any longer. As punishment, he should deprive himself of his mask and be made a spectacle of in front of Daniel so that Daniel could know and reject him for the degenerate he was. No longer strong, black and white, and independent just short, ugly, and red.

Daniel felt the trembling hands loosen their grip but the man in front of him seemed more distraught. Daniel let go realizing his mistake. "You don't have to-"

Trembling hands reached up and painfully slipped the mask away from his bowed head and held it clutched to his chest like a dead pet.

Walter didn't have the courage to look Daniel in the face. He turned his face down as hot tears of shame slid quickly down his hollowed cheeks.

Dan's mouth was open and he hoped in hindsight that he hadn't made an audible gasp. Even with his bad eyes he could discern Rorschach's face from where he sat. Sitting in front of him was the man he'd seen in the streets digging through the waste bins. He had felt sorry for him and given him change here and there but had written him off as a lunatic from that nuts-o sign he always toted. How could he be the same man he'd trusted with his life, who rode side shot in Archie, who had told Daniel he had a day job, and who Dan looked up to even if he was small of stature? They were friends weren't they? Why didn't he come to Daniel for help?

Walter knew Daniel was in shock from the utter silence that surrounded him after he removed the mask. There was nothing he could do but sit and bear it. Daniel would ask him to leave soon anyway, if he knew what was good for him.

Daniel's heart broke as he watched the red headed man before him wring the mask in his knuckles with anxiety. He knew the cardinal rule with Rorschach was not to touch but Daniel couldn't bring himself to sit by and watch as his partner came apart. He reached out to slowly take the whirling mask out of Rorschach's fisting hands and lay it across his knees. He took the gloved, hesitant hands into his own. Once powerful, now they trembled in Daniel's grasp. Rorschach still tried to tuck his face away. Daniel gathered Rorschach's hands and then ran his own hand gently over the fiery crown in reassurance. He knew Rorschach wouldn't want him to look at his face but Daniel was held by the need to see him. He needed to let his friend know that he was here for whatever he needed and that he was profoundly sorry for his friend's circumstances; whatever they may be.

His broad hand ran gently down the nape of his partner's neck and settled on his shoulder. Rorschach's sighs echoed off the cavernous walls of the Owl's Nest and Daniel could hear the faint noise of teardrops patting against concrete. He would stay here as long as it took. He didn't want to ruin this by speaking. Rorschach needed solidarity not a diatribe. He was aware of his annoying habit of chattering when he was uncomfortable. This wasn't uncomfortable. This felt real. This felt like the first normal event in the past year. So much time in skirting around the obvious anxiety growing between the two with society's growing distaste for masks, something had to break but Dan never thought it would be Rorschach. But now it all made since. Rorschach had given everything to protect his city and in turn it took everything.

Daniel understood, or at least thought he did. Rorschach had always been fiercely independent. Daniel had always looked up to that self-sufficient drive Rorschach exuded. Why did he now feel like the stronger one? He felt that Rorschach had never truly trusted him. As a partner he was with him in solidarity but as a friend he was apprehensive and aloof. He assumed this was because he didn't trust him with the responsibility of knowing his identity. He only sparingly reciprocated shows of familiarity and that was only in accepting a spot on Dan's sofa on occasion or a handful of sugar cubes. It weighed on Daniel now just how much that must have meant but it also saddened him that his friend was too proud to accept more support that Daniel continuously offered.

The ginger haired man took back one of his hands to wipe his eyes with the butt of his grimy palm. Dan hoped Rorschach wouldn't pull away. He still lightly grasped the bony hand but dropped his eyes to study the blurry bit of gravel next to Rorschach's shoe so he wouldn't think he was staring. It felt appropriate to say, "I can't speak for Dr. Manhattan but at the end of the day we're not gods. We're just human beings. It's hard to keep this up year after year."

Dan heard Rorschach give out a broken sigh. He felt the man shift his weight. Cautiously, Dan lifted his eyes to meet his partner's. A pair of blood-shot blue eyes set in a hard weathered face met his. Daniel cursed his myopia but could still make out the severe set to his friend's jaw, high cheekbones, and harsh piercing eyes. A set of warm brown eyes squinted at the bright stormy blue ones for a long time.

A warm feeling spread in the pit of Dan's stomach. It was the same feeling he used to get feeding baby birds or spotting a rare specimen on a bird watching expedition. He finally saw his face. He didn't see the face of the terror of the underworld. He didn't even see the desperate look of that strange wandering bum digging through the trashcans. All he saw was the face of his friend. He saw the face of his partner. A smile spread across Daniel's face as he gave Rorschach's shoulder a squeeze. The severe lines in Rorschach's face dropped into confusion. Dan let go of Rorschach's hand and stood up. Rorschach jumped at the realization he'd been holding Daniel's hand all this time. Dan bent and hooked some fingers lightly under Rorschach's arm. "Come on. You'll feel better after some food."

Rorschach let his baleful eyes roll up to meet Daniel's with a questioning expression. Daniel simply hauled Rorschach up to his feet and guided him to the bottom of the stairs. Rorschach stopped short and gently grasped the fingers under his arm. He placed them lightly on the stair rail and then turned to duck under Archie.

Daniel strained to see where Rorschach had gone. He had the valid fear that Rorschach might have left out the back exit after another unspoken refusal to join him in the kitchen. He heard some scrambling noises coming from the vicinity of the water heater. A blurry spot of orange near Archie announced that Rorschach was returning. The smaller man took Daniel's other hand and gently pressed the wayward pair of glasses into them. "Thank you." Daniel said quietly as he stared at his enigma of a friend. Rorschach just cleared his throat and bobbed his head in acknowledgment. Daniel slipped the glasses on over tender flesh. "Huh." he said in observation.

"What?" Rorschach mumbled.

"Freckles."

Rorschach's brow furrowed at being studied.

"I mean-no, I mean . . . it's not a bad thing. I just-" Dan sputtered.

Rorschach just gave another nod and tried to look like he didn't exist.

"Let's, yeah-food-" and Dan turned feeling flustered to climb the stairs. He was irritated with himself for screwing up predictably but was relieved to hear footsteps on his heels.


	3. Up the Stairs to the Kitchen

Daniel and Walter ascended the stairs to the kitchen. Walter hoped he hadn't shattered his kneecaps as pain radiated from his lower legs. He hadn't felt a thing when he passed out. Then, he hoped he _had _shattered his kneecaps in payment for potentially breaking Daniel's nose. His gut wrung itself in knots. Thoughts burgeoned and spread through his mind like tumors, cramming in and trying to crowd out each other in a battle for validity. _What the hell did he just do? Had he really just cried like a baby? Had he really just cried like a baby in front of Daniel? He should not be here. He should not have come here. He should not have come back. _But he was here in the Owl's Nest. _He should leave now._ But, then he would be running away from his problems. _Has worked before. Need no companion. Fine alone. _Have no food. Daniel offers food. _Need no food. Can do fine on my own._ Ruined Daniel's face. Owe him tolerance. _Owe him nothing._ Owe him tolerance._ Owe him nothing._ Owe him friendship. _Legitimizing sinful relationship. _Sinful? _Desire to linger in the company of a man._ Desire to linger in the company of an innocent man? Sinful? _Desire to linger in the company of an innocent man to take advantage. Desire. Sinful._ Cannot have friendship? _Desire. Sinful. Whoreson. Cannot deny natural inclinations._ What?!

Walter jumped when the sound of a filled ceramic bowl went "thunk" in front of him. He snapped out of his inner argument to realize he had been sitting dazed at Daniel's kitchen table long enough for Daniel to open a tin of beans and place it before him. Dan patted him on the shoulder before turning to raid his icebox. He rummaged around in the old white Frigidaire until he was satisfied with some ice cubes wrapped in a damp towel. He flopped heavily into the chair across from Rorschach, leaned back with a heavy sigh and nestled the ice onto his face as he folded his glasses onto the table.

Walter began to eat his beans quietly. He did feel better now but a familiar twinge still flickered in the back of his mind that maybe he had made a mistake. It would have made him stand at attention and march right out of the house were it not drowning in the waves of guilt Walter felt for being served a meal while his host tended to wounds that Walter had given him. The coffee pot softly spat in the background as it began to percolate. The rich smell of coffee drifted about the room and the clock on the far wall ticked a muted rhythm. Daniel sighed deeply again and ran a free hand through his hair in cathartic habit. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back with the ice pack. Even though his face was starting to ache and he wasn't sure he could fix that coupling that no doubt had been damaged further, he no longer felt like he was losing his best friend. They had gotten through the worst of it. Now he was even sitting across from Dan in his kitchen, just like old times. Dan was just going to enjoy this moment for as long as it would last.

Walter watched his friend leaning in the chair with ice in hand. He never felt remorse for the fingers, noses, and ribs that he shattered on a daily basis, but he never thought that one day they might be Daniel's. He heard Daniel's sighs and he knew that Daniel was in pain and it would take days to heal. Did he break his nose? That might need setting. Daniel would have to go to a doctor for that. Walter cringed. He had eaten a few spoons full of beans but now rested the spoon next to the bowl. The food lodged in his throat along with his regret. He stared at Daniel from across the table and contemplated fretfully how to fix his transgression.

There were no more sounds of a spoon clinking on a bowl and Dan opened a tired eye. A reticent figure stared back at him, arms on the table nervously rubbing their gloved fingers together. It amused Dan that he was more familiar with Rorschach's body language than his face or expressions. Rorschach's mouth opened as he started to say something but stopped. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"I . . . I'm sorry I did that."

Dan looked back at him for the longest time, not quite believing his ears. He shook his head a little and gestured with his free hand something that could be interpreted as _no worries._

"I just want things the way they were before." said Dan as Rorschach began to eat again.

The red head gave Dan a cynical look.

"Yeah, I know." said Dan "You can never go home. I just don't know how everything got so complicated. We were the good guys. Now all the sudden we're even pitted against the people we try to protect." Dan's broad lament became more focused as he set the damp ice pack down on the table and carefully slipped on his glasses. He inspected his friend more closely. "I can't account for a lot of events that have happened around me but I'd like to know what happened to you."

Rorschach grew still as Daniel continued. "You've been different over the past few months. You look like you've lost a lot of weight and you've never had excess weight to begin with." _And you smell worse than usual,_ Dan wanted to add but didn't have the heart to say it. "I, uh, know why now, but . . . I thought you had a job?"

Walter's shoulders drew up like he was being interrogated. His instinct was to raise hackles.

"You don't have to explain if you don't want to." Daniel said but Walter took it as a challenge.

"Been consuming less calories." he spoke gruffly.

Daniel snorted, "Yeah, I can see that." Dan continued to wait for elaboration.

Walter stared at him sourly but grudgingly said, "Lost my job and then my flat. Use resources as they come." He started shoveling beans in again.

Daniel was dumbfounded and exasperated, "Why didn't you come to me? I've got more than enough to share! We're brothers in arms! We're supposed to help each other out!"

Walter grimaced as he scraped the remnants of bean liquid from the bowl.

"Listen, I know you're proud but I really mean it!" said Dan.

"Streets aren't so bad. Get better leads that way at any rate. Faster access too. Right on the pulse of the city."

_Depressing as hell, immersing yourself in the worst of society day in and day out with no reprieve._ Dan thought. _Starts to rub off._

"Did you lose your job because of this?" Dan asked making a random looking gesture meant to encompass the idea of their vigilante lifestyle.

Walter shrugged, "Maybe."

Dan tried to think back to when things began to tumble out of control. Something seemed off the night Rorschach showed up months ago in the Owl's Nest smelling of wet dog and creosote. Dan had tried to ask him what happened but Rorschach refused to talk about it. Dan had to piece together events for himself through newspapers and a television news report of a fire that same night. Rorschach had a darker demeanor ever since. Dan thought he'd work through it himself but he was wrong. _I should have done this a long time ago._ He thought as he sat across from his partner.

"Was it the Roche case?"

Rorschach sat staring at the table. He began to imperceptibly grind his jaw.

"You know that no one could have done any better with that situation, right?"

Rorschach's head snapped up and the old steel in his eyes flared up.

"I'm serious. Sometimes things we just can't control-"

"Could've done better. Missed something somewhere. Could've been more vigilant."

"If you're going to go about with that mentality, you might as well sign up for tutorials with Jon because there's no way you can wrap your arms around the world. Even though we want to, we can't save everyone on earth."

Rorschach's jaw ground visibly now and he hissed through his teeth, "She wasn't supposed to die. Didn't deserve-" and couldn't finish the sentence as his eyes began to fill.

"I know." Dan said quietly. "But you know, destroying yourself day by day isn't going to bring her back."

Rorschach glared at him.

Dan changed his tactic. "It's not going to help you save anymore Blaire Roche's either. She's not the only child out there at risk." Dan remembered how funny Rorschach got around cases involving children. He was relentless at times. "You won't be much use in tracking them down if you pass out of exhaustion in the street." Dan rose and pulled the bowl away from Rorschach and began to open another tin of processed food.

Walter blinked. Daniel thought he passed out from low blood sugar. Good.

Dan was positive Vienna sausages were not exactly the healthiest choice of food but Rorschach tended to readily consume anything that could be popped out of a can. As he placed the bowl down again in front of his friend he noticed how dirty his bright hair actually was. He considered his new knowledge of his partner's circumstance and pondered a way to get Rorschach to let him help. He busied himself making coffee as Rorschach munched contentedly. He'd rather Rorschach have water to counter all that sodium but his friend had an aversion to the tap due to its handling by the municipal system. Instead he preferred to have a little coffee with copious amounts of sugar. How he didn't have an ulcer or diabetes Dan would never know. The thought then occurred to Dan that he possibly might and Dan still would never know. Dealing with his friend was surprisingly similar to practicing veterinary medicine. It was a real possibility to lose a finger trying to administer to Rorschach. He served Rorschach his saccharine beverage and seated himself again across the table. His face really was starting to ache despite the ice and he was going to have to get some painkillers soon. Dan cleared his throat. He had to spin this right.

"So, uh, listen, man. Why don't you let me launder your clothes and you can use my shower? Have a good night's rest here and tomorrow you'll notice a world of difference in your performance. Trust me."

Still chewing, Rorschach placed the spoon down in the bowl and pushed it away. "Thank you for the food, Daniel." he rose and turned to the doorway in the back hall when Dan caught his sleeve.

"But I'm serious, though." Dan's purple battered face could not quell his ever-concerned eyes.

Rorschach felt pinned but not by Daniel's insistence. Deep down he did want to stay but he had made too many concessions already. Walter had caused irreparable damage that Rorschach wasn't sure he could fix. He needed to leave, get some fresh air, get his bearings, and try to smother the life out of the man that he thought had died with Roche. Why was it those brown eyes always seemed to be able to bend his actions to their will, even if one was bloodshot from a shiner? Oh, Jesus.

Rorschach dropped his eyes and nodded a curt affirmation that he would stay. Daniel's eyes widened for a brief moment in triumphant shock. He quickly hid his surprise and delighted in finally being able to be a host to his company.

"Okay, well good. You're going to feel much better. I swear. Here, leave your coat and gloves on the chair in the kitchen. Let's get some extra towels out of the linen closet." and Daniel began to ascend the carpeted stairs to the bathroom upstairs, Rorschach close behind.


	4. Rise to the Mirror Trial

Walter hesitated before the entrance to the bathroom. Both of them had been here so many times before, sewing each other up on numerous occasions. Something in his gut signaled danger. Something tugged at him to proceed no further because this was the point of no return.

Daniel weaved in past him with a quick "Scuze me, buddy." and began to rifle through the medicine cabinet. Satisfied with a bottle of ibuprofen he also picked out a toothbrush and set it on the sink. "I've got an extra one for when my old one wears out. You can go ahead and use that." He closed the medicine cabinet door and began to weave by again. "I'll grab some extra towels. Go ahead and help yourself."

The mirror on the medicine cabinet stared back at him ominously. He stood in the doorway peering at the ugly reflection that leered at him. Greasy orange hair stuck out in every direction above ears that were a little too big and stuck out a little too far. Deep lines cut through a stony expression that was littered with rusty freckles as an ironic addition to his dour visage. Bright red stubble scattered along his jaw line, the happy color mocking his saturnine appearance. Piercing blue eyes beheld him accusingly.

In the reflection behind him, Daniel fumbled in the hallway with his selection of bath towels. Introspection sprouted over his raw mind like cancer as he wondered who he was anymore. Walter had died with poor little Blaire Roche, just as weak, just as pathetic. Rorschach had fled him in disgust. His inadequate ability to maintain their standards and tenets revolted him. Here he stood, ugly and small, in someone else's bathroom in someone else's house looking at someone else's semblance. Did that filthy visage really belong to him? Was that really his pathetically small frame of insufficient stature? Was his hair really that ridiculous in its tint of red? Is that dirt or freckles? Don't open your mouth. No one wants to see those chipped teeth. After all these years, was he really this deficient?

Daniel had finally picked out a set of towels and was shuffling a few items back into the snug linen closet. He noticed from his peripheral vision that Rorschach was standing fixed in the doorframe of the bathroom. He hadn't moved an inch. Daniel stood up with bath linens in hand and moved to deposit them on the lid of the toilet. _Is he giving his reflection the third degree or something?_ Daniel wondered. His heart twisted at the thought that maybe Rorschach hadn't had the luxury of a bath in a while and was self-conscious. He had to admit he would have never thought such dark strength could emanate from a ginger. He tried not to think that Rorschach should have had black hair. Perhaps his appearance is what ultimately led Rorschach to be so good in combat. Being small meant he probably got picked on and had to develop thick skin at an early age. Small and red headed. Small, red headed, and socially awkward. Dan's heart broke and melted at the same time.

"Uh, okay, buddy. I'm, uh, gonna find you some clothes. You can toss your old clothes outside the door and I'll wash them for you. I have to do laundry anyway and we should have enough hot water for both." he rubbed the back of his own neck as Rorschach continued to stare destitute at his reflection. Daniel moved to stand beside him and peer into the mirror. The addition of Daniel's face jolted Walter from his brooding. He stiffened visually and shifted slightly in the other direction.

"What do you see?" asked Daniel.

"I don't know." said Walter, barely audible. He was now looking at the reflection of a deep fuchsia orbit around Daniel's eye. The eye creased as Daniel smiled softly at him.

Dan's chest ached. He did not anticipate having a confrontation with Rorschach tonight let alone having one with a good outcome. Now, he wasn't really sure if this could be considered a good outcome. His friend looked lost and empty. Had he not seen his reflection in a while? Maybe he should have just had Rorschach go to sleep on the couch and then grab a shower in the morning. _No_, Daniel thought, _He's probably been without amenities like this for a while_. He would just have to continue to be supportive. It's worked this far. He wanted to give Rorschach reassurance. Would he mistake Dan's intentions for something else? Dan wasn't homosexual and he was damn sure Rorschach wasn't but he was also damn sure Rorschach was wrestling with a lot of demons these days. When your brother (Dan wondered if this was what having a brother was like) has reached rock bottom, he'll need a shoulder to lean on and a helping hand. He gently nudged shoulders with the shorter figure and laced his thick warm fingers into the weathered knobby ones.

Slowly, Walter turned to look up at Daniel with a mix of confusion and horror.

"I don't know who I am."

"I do." said Daniel. What was he saying? He barely had the last hour to take in the face of this man he knew virtually nothing about outside of their vigilante activities. But in his heart, Daniel knew this was not entirely true. He'd spent the last decade carefully interpreting Rorschach's tics and inarticulateness. He knew his emotional map and, after all, true friends don't need to know histories in the end anyway. This was his partner and best friend. This was the brother he never had and yes, he did love him. Rorschach never would let him, but he showed it in his own gentle way. He kept the cupboard stocked with canned beans and sugar cubes and there was always a cot and a blanket in the Owl's nest.

Walter's eyes glittered as tears gathered in the lids. He was not crying. His heart stung and it was a natural reaction of the body to flood itself and put out the fire. Why was Daniel doing this to him? Why was Daniel's kindness making him hurt so badly? He couldn't will his lids to hold anymore and great fat tears leaked down his cheeks again. A tinge of pitying sadness spilled into Dan's eyes as he instinctively lifted a hand to Walter's face but Walter flinched.

"Don't touch. Don't touch, Daniel." he was trembling.

"Why?" Daniel asked softly. His first thought was that maybe he should leave Rorschach to have a private moment but his heart rooted him to the spot. He genuinely felt for Rorschach. He wanted to hold him close, stroke his back, and maybe even kiss him. Wait. Kiss him? Daniel registered the ache in his heart and its implications.

"Oh." he looked down at his hand entwined with Rorschach's and looked up at Rorschach. His face was almost as red as his hair and contorted with the sobs he was trying to hold back. "Oh." Daniel said again as realization hit him.

He knew. Now Daniel knew. Now Daniel knew the perversion that he tried to hide for the past two years. His dirty body betrayed him. For all his penance, the aberration would not leave him and now Daniel knew. A violent sob burst from him as he trembled. It was over now.

A broad flat palm cupped against his cheek and he hated himself for pressing into it.

"D-Da-"

"Shh." said warm pink lips gently. Tender brown eyes were so close. It tore Dan up inside to watch his friend fall apart. Soft lips leaned in and timidly kissed the streaming tears.

"Unclean. Filthy."

"So, I will wash you."

"Why?" the split in his heart was agonizing and his voice shook with it.

"Because I love you."

"Why?" a sob broke from him as he lamented his loss of self-loathing. This didn't make sense. This was wrong. Love was not reserved for Walter Kovacs. His mother even told him that she should have had an abortion. Walter wept bitterly as he fell apart in pieces that Dan held together with his hands. As his soul bled out of his eyes, Dan kissed it back together again.

He kissed his forehead.

He kissed his eyebrow.

He kissed his cheeks.

"Because I do." he whispered softly and then kissed him again.

The confirmation of something he knew all along but kept trammeled deep down hurt unbearably as it ripped its way to the surface. Walter's throat was accustomed to coarse guttural mutterings but twisted halted mewlings were supposed to be lost to childhood. Broad flat thumbs gently stroked back the tears. Chaste gentle kisses pressed to his cheeks as new tears flooded down again. He lifted his chin not knowing what he was doing. Want returned to him that he had not felt since he was six years old.

This should not be right. It should not be right to be held by Daniel, but how could this be wrong? This was not what the red light district peddled. Or was it? This was not the lewd salacious pawing he had witnessed in the streets and in the crack of his mother's bedroom door. It wasn't a rough heated exchange of two animals exhilarated by the prospect of getting caught in the satisfaction of their carnal rutting. It wasn't these things. It was about proximity. It was about warmth. It was about two people. It was about compassion. It was about the peace of two people shoring each other up against the torrents of life. Why was this the first time he felt right since he was a boy? He felt as if his soul was being sutured back together with Daniel's kisses. How could this be wrong? Why would it be wrong to feel safe and protected in the company of another human being for the first time since he was born?

Daniel's soft lips pressed gently and carefully again and again. He wanted to try his best to return the gifts with his own. It was everything but it was not enough. He clung to his savior and bathed in sweet kisses. He feared his innocence in these ways would earn him rejection but his partner seemed to delight in his clumsiness and wrapped around him with gentle surety.

His wet eyes closed, he breathed, "I don't know who I am."

The chest that his arms encircled vibrated closely, "I do." A chin and nose nuzzled into his crown and warm arms pressed around him. "And I love who you are."

Dan's heart had swelled to match his black eye. He was flooded with all the emotions he'd been yearning to give to Rorschach. He felt responsible for the broken man that he was holding together in his arms. He could finally feel like he was holding his friend up instead of the other way around. He thought his heart might burst with it. His own eyes were moist with empathy. It was an overwhelming sensation to be needed so much. Dan might have been inclined to wishing Rorschach had let him do this sooner but then, nothing Rorschach ever did was the easy way. Instead he was grateful. His large arms wrapped gently but firmly around his partner. Even through the layers of jacket and dress shirt he could feel the solidity of Rorschach's ropey sinews. His heart broke as he could also feel his boney shoulder blades jump with the hitch in his partner's breathing and the way he could count ribs with his fingers. He didn't know why his friend was so long suffering but Dan resolved to end it tonight.

Walter's tears had run dry ten minutes ago. His head lay heavily against Daniel's chest. Daniel cradled the back of Walter's skull with one hand, his cheek pressed to Walter's forehead. Daniel's other arm pressed him close. Walter released a rattled sigh and Daniel breathed one in turn. Each wished silently that time would stop. That would be fine. Neither felt compelled to move from the serenity each had found. In the end, it was Dan who gently lifted Walter from him. He gave a reassuring smile as a questioning look flashed across the blue eyes.

"We need to get you cleaned up." Dan whispered. He looked down at his blood saturated sweater vest and gave a soft chuckle. "I need to get cleaned up too." He continued quietly as if he were in a library or a graveyard, "I, uh . . . I can help you . . . if you want. I mean . . . I don't want to make you uncomfortable . . . or . . ."

Walter stared at the floor as Daniel muttered. As Daniel's words died away he quietly picked Daniel's hands up with delicate fingers and rested them at the top of his dress shirt collar. His gaze crept up to meet Daniel's. Searching eyes were intense and imploring as if desperate for a name to justify and validate what he was feeling. Daniel had seen that look so many, many times in the victims that they rescued night after night. How sad it made him feel to see it reflected so intensely in his friend.

With great care, he unfastened the minute buttons of Rorschach's collar. Careful blunt fingers unbuttoned Rorschach's suit jacket and gently draped the garment over his arm as if he were a servant. He nimbly but slowly disengaged the fastidious buttons of Rorschach's tailored waistcoat. The garment was perfectly fitted to him and Daniel got the impression it was like armor around the trim torso even though it was only pinstripe fabric and silk. Why did it remind him of a clerical vestment? As the last button was unfastened, Daniel could feel Rorschach's belly move with a sharp intake of breath and a shift of the warm fabric beneath the shell. He respectfully laid the suit jacket atop the hamper near the door and delicately folded the waistcoat atop it as well. As he turned around, Rorschach reached out and nimbly lifted the glasses from Daniel's nose and folded them neatly on the sink ledge. He carefully lifted Daniel's blood soaked sweater vest up and over him in a way Daniel found charming, echoing the care that Daniel had used with him. Dan smiled to himself softly. They took care of each other in the streets, why not at home? He realized this was the dim question that had always been flickering ethereally at the back of his mind. He had never allowed himself to pursue it because he had known even on a subconscious level that Rorschach would never have entertained that notion, and yet . . . here they were.

Without his glasses, everything had a cast of softness to Dan. The blur could not hide the angular sharpness of his friend's outline or the brilliance of his carnelian hair. He placed his hands on Rorschach's shoulders and then hooked his fingers under the dark suspenders. He slid them down to lay slack against the purple dress pants. Again, his hands slid atop the fabric containing rigid collarbones until they met at the shirt collar. He heard Rorschach swallow as he began to unbutton the sweat stained dress shirt. He felt trembling fingers creep up and begin timidly unbuttoning his own rumpled button-down.

Walter was nervous. He was glad Daniel didn't have his glasses and that didn't make sense. Daniel had seen him bare-chested on plenty of occasions when he'd been slit open like a dinner fish and Daniel needed to patch him up. He'd done the same for Dan as well but right now it was too much. It was too much but it was not enough. He wanted proximity but now that Rorschach had abandoned him he didn't have the strength to hold himself up under his own crushing shame. Beautiful Daniel should not have to be burdened with the map of scar tissue that stretched over his revolting dappled hide. _It was okay now, maybe. No glasses. _He thought as he concentrated on Daniel's shirt buttons. He perceived the reflection of light that the little faux shell buttons on Daniel's shirt cast. Daniel's weak eyes probably could not pick up fine details. _He will feel them though._ He himself could feel the warmth radiating against his knuckles from Daniel's belly and it made his hands tremble more. Unlike him, Daniel wore no wife beater. He'd always hated that term but could never bring himself to boycott them. As he undid Daniel's last button, Daniel moved to open Rorschach's shirt and slide the covering away from him.

Dan draped the garment across the neatly folded pile on the hamper and with loving fingers began to hitch up Rorschach's wife beater. His thick knuckles rode the ridges of Rorschach's ribs and scars all the way up his trunk as he lifted the thin fabric away. Even without his glasses angry discolored streaks leapt out visually from the pale speckled skin. Dan had his share of contusions and lacerations from their fieldwork, but his armor absorbed most of the wounds. Rorschach had to bare the brunt of every blow. He'd patched him up more often than not. He hoped he wouldn't fail in his pursuit sew Rorschach's heart back together.

Walter had gingerly folded Daniel's shirt back behind his broad shoulders. He lightly pulled the sleeves down away from Daniel's thick arms and his eyes flickered over the coarse dark hair that covered them. As the shirt fell away in Walter's grasp, Daniel leaned forward to embrace his friend. The touch of skin against his shocked him enough to drop Daniel's shirt. He was hyper aware of the way Daniel smelled (was that aftershave?) and how warm he was, how he himself smelled (was that garbage?), and how cold and clammy he must feel. As if in answer, Daniel's embrace tightened and Walter let his fingertips settle and splay on the wide shoulder blades of Daniel.

Dan would have ventured to help Rorschach out of his slacks but the trembling body and pounding heart under his embrace told him that it was already too much. He pressed a reassuring kiss to the crown of red hair and loosened his hold to begin running the water for the shower.

Walter wrapped his arms around himself as he shivered in the bathroom. He looked away from Daniel at the discarded shirt on the floor and then accidentally in the mirror. He tore his face away from the reflection at once as collection of pale freckled skin and scars leapt into his vision. Daniel was rising.

"I'm going to find you some clothes to sleep in tonight." he said gently, looking Walter in the eyes. "You go ahead and help yourself." He gave Walter's arm a squeeze before shutting the bathroom door quietly behind him.


	5. Pause for Reflection

Walter stood in the bathroom with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the door as steam from the running shower began to fill the room. He knew Daniel had left out of respect. He knew he did not want Daniel to see him exposed. But then, he knew he did not want Daniel to leave. An old constricting panic of abandonment blossomed in his chest. He had not experienced that bygone feeling since he could count his age on one hand. He didn't want to be alone. A stab of shame quickly lanced his consciousness for being so weak.

He turned to see the mirror fogged over with condensation. At least he wouldn't have to look at himself. He bent to pick up Daniel's shirt and couldn't help himself from breathing in the fabric softener that effused from it. He folded it neatly atop the other clothes on the hamper. He shed his remaining clothes and stepped into the shower.

Though it was old, Daniel's brownstone had good water pressure and Walter tried to let the pounding jets erase him in their tumult. He was so tired. All of his recent emotional expression felt like wound debridement with a rusty soupspoon. He lost track of time as the water rained like hammers onto his scalp. He wanted it to rinse the canvas of his mind and leave only the blankness of apathy. He knew he'd have to stroke out to attain that kind of achievement but he'd settle for this illusion until then. He wrung his knobby fists into his scratchy eyes and sighed heavily as the steaming water struck his face. Maybe, if he lifted his head high enough, he could drown right here.

Daniel sat on the end of his bed with his forehead in his hand. He'd had a knock down drag out with Rorschach, gotten a shiner, gotten his friend back, found out that Rorschach was human after all, AND found out something the both of them hadn't expected all in one night. If ever there was a time to have a stiff drink like his father used to, now was it. He let his hand fall heavily as he sat up and continued the motion to flop back onto his bed linens.

He never was a heavy drinker to begin with and, shaking his head, he knew now wasn't the time to start. He was exhausted and needed a little time to reflect on what the hell just happened. It was just too much at one time. What the hell was he thinking back there? He's not homosexual. He didn't have a problem with the gay community but he just wasn't attracted to men. It didn't make sense. In fact, he was pretty sure that Laurie knew he had a crush on her. He fumbled over his words like an idiot in her presence and blushed like child. Yet, he had found himself responding to Rorschach. Had he lost his mind?

No, Dan was at heart a rational man and though he wasn't as astute as Adrian he was no slouch either. He was interested in Laurie but then he didn't know many men who weren't. _Well,_ he corrected his thoughts,_ I know of one._ He had dates in the past and did his share of double takes when a click of heels and a short skirt passed by. Somehow they never turned into anything lasting. The sex was good but he was never able to get interested in a deeper level even when he tried. Conversely lengthy diatribes on owl plumage seemed to guarantee him a one-way ticket to never having a second date. Maybe he should have read between the lines a little better. Rorschach always said that Dan was only interested in a pair of legs and breasts when he caught him staring at Laurie. Dan had brushed it off as the man's inherent loathing for the female sexuality.

Homosexual or not, what he experienced back there was real. It exhilarated him and thrilled him to be needed, TRULY and utterly NEEDED. Was this the key to his destiny as a mask? He truly relished the satisfaction of really making a difference and making things right. He loved saving people and protecting the weak. He did. He really and truly did. It flooded him with a sense of validation. Protecting the weak? He never considered Rorschach, of all people, weak. He often criticized him for acting like he was invincible. At heart, he had always harbored a soft spot for Rorschach. Somehow, he always knew that Rorschach wasn't invincible and he got the feeling that Rorschach had picked up on his inclination too. A fluttering in his stomach returned. Rorschach was a perennial outcast even among the masks but he continued to tolerate Dan in ways that would earn other people hospital stays. Yes, he did feel like he was responsible for Rorschach. No, that wasn't quite it. He was, in the sense that he was forever apologizing to law enforcement, defending him against Laurie's insults when he wasn't around to defend himself, and vouching for his sanity when the rest of the masks doubted it. But there was something else there. Rorschach was a wreck but he was Daniel's wreck. Was that right? His belly fluttered warmly as he listened to the shower in the bathroom. Yes, it was right. He felt like a brother but still, there was something else there. Dan closed his eyes. He allowed the big question a place in his mind, _Is this what I want?_ He knew it would not be easy. He knew it would not be "normal." _Exactly __**what**__ is normal_, his brain supplied. He knew in the pit of his gut, _yes. This is what I want and no, it is not just an impulse. _He wanted to take care of Rorschach. He always had. He pressed his fingers against his watering eyes.

He rose from the bed in the dark room and went to his dresser to find the smallest set of pajamas he owned. He knew they would be too big anyway.


	6. The Rising Steam

Under the din of the water jet thundering onto his skull, Walter secretly wished he would drown. The soft click of the door handle turning over in its brass chamber resonated incongruously against the constant cadence of the water. His eyes snapped open and his self-awareness returned. He had a need to diminish and his shoulders curled in as his hands crept over to cover the ugly flesh below his waist. He backed into the corner of the shower quietly, letting the water project a curtain between him and everything else. Footsteps could be heard along with the medicine cabinet mirror opening and shutting. Daniel's voice,

"You okay, buddy?"

The shower spray against the bathtub floor was the only reply.

"Rorschach?"

Walter watched in horror and anticipation as a hand parted the shower curtain on the far side of the tub. He crammed his eyes shut and turned his head. He felt then that Daniel's eyes cast upon him would be like bathing in a corona, bright and blistering.

It didn't quite feel quite right peeping in on Rorschach but Dan pushed the notion aside roughly. Tonight was the first time that Dan saw the reality that his friend was capable of being vulnerable. The man had come completely unhinged. Now Rorschach wouldn't answer him and he was concerned. Either something was wrong or he would get pummeled for invading Rorschach's privacy. Visions of Rorschach at the bottom of his tub in his own blood with his wrists gaping open swam before his mind's eye. He figured could handle getting pummeled.

He risked his good eye and peered into his shower. Dim in the steamy shower, a pale gaunt figure curled against the wall. It was tucked in on itself. Its strong veined hands weakly covered its genitals and face. He knew the pattern of scars that swathed over the liberally freckled skin. Those were his stitches after all. He'd never seen his friend appear this malnourished and diminutive. Had his collarbones really sat that high before? There was a place along one of his shins that may have been a crooked mend from a break. This, this man who loomed over his opponents in the streets but was a head shorter than Dan, this man who intimidated Dan just by proximity, this man who was impenetrable, immovable, intractable, indestructible, could not be the sallow withered form that desperately tried to press itself into the wall away from Dan's gaze. Dan was sure he wasn't supposed to see this. The weight of Rorschach's humanity crashed down upon his heart. He swallowed past his Adams apple.

Sound and the damp feeling of warm steam were the only senses Walter could feel. They were the only senses he wanted to feel behind his clamped eyelids. Rorschach could stand straight, confident, and proud, not Walter. He assumed Daniel must have left him to finish washing his soiled carcass for he heard nothing for a while save the beating of rain in the shower and the slight rustle of the curtain closing again. He had resigned to open his eyes when he felt a presence. Years of tracking in the dark honed his sense of how noise and air travel around an object and what that displacement meant. He sensed a large presence in front of him and startled when fingertips gathered his right elbow.

The touch and sluicing water summoned remembrance of when his mother would snatch him roughly by the arm and jerk his naked body forward to scour him mercilessly. He had a hard time calling her mother. He had wondered whether her cruel way with him was her hatred and frustration with him or her hatred and frustration with her own life. He wanted to fight back but the thought of her painful retribution would cow him so he cried instead. He finally broke free when he did start fighting back and oh, how free that felt. He had been battling the odds ever since. Now, he felt tired and broken. So many struggles, so much work, and for what? All there were left were tears, a hollow carcass, and the cold pillars of his beliefs that seemed indifferent to him now.

Warm fingers gently pulled him forward. A sure hand closed around the wrist near his face and coaxed it away with tender pressure. He felt his muscles lock and he turned his face away. Daniel's voice was near.

"Hey now, hey now. It's okay. It's just me. Just me."

_It's because it's you. _Walter heard himself say in his head. His eyes were still crammed shut. The hand holding his wrist gently forced it down despite his resistance until it met with his other wrist and released its grasp. Only then did he realize Daniel was trying to help him cover his shame. Quickly, he clasped himself with both hands.

"See?" Daniel's thick hands were on his upper arms. "I've got severe myopia, remember? I can't see past my nose without my glasses and they are on the sink."

Walter's head remained tucked down. Daniel retrieved a washcloth and bar of soap, careful not to graze the other man. The smell of detergent rose with the steam and Walter felt the lathered rag placed upon his neck. Dan's voice made excuses for him, "Good idea, though. Might get soap in your eyes." Daniel's hands worked soapsuds into his neck and kneaded the tight muscles. A firm hand pressed between Walter's shoulder blades as the soapy cloth scrubbed his chest and shoulders. Daniel was washing him. Just like he promised. Nothing more. Walter's posture loosened slightly and he even turned to help Daniel as he worked. He wanted to open his eyes and see Daniel but he feared the beauty of what he might perceive. He let Daniel raise one arm to wash and then replace it for the other.

"That's it, buddy." Dan soothed. "Not gonna hurt ya."

Rorschach snapped. Instantly, he grabbed Dan's wrist in a crushing grasp and wrenched his arm back. His eyes snapped open and burned like fire with defensive rage. His fierce glare struck Dan in the face and his frame locked into his familiar combat stance. _You can't hurt me. _ The thought burned in his mind and flashed across his face but then extinguished as soon as it flared. The shock in Daniel's face was palpable. His mouth was open like a fish drowning in air. It was Dan's turn now to tremble. He was naked and in proximity to an equally naked and volatile Rorschach. Had . . . he . . . totally . . . lost his mind? He was close to twice Rorschach's size but he'd seen Rorschach take down bigger. This was obviously a bad decision. He sees that now. How the hell was he going to get out of this alive?

But the look of abject terror on Daniel's face halted Walter's explosion of anger. The fuse was short and hot. It had flared so quickly, but that old way was no longer relevant. It wasn't true anymore. Daniel could hurt him. He could hurt him because Walter would let him. The fire in his gaze went out as Daniel's face stared back in fear from behind a swollen purple eye. He dropped Daniel's wrist and gasped, "I . . . I . . ." Daniel took a step back. Red fingerprints blossomed where Walter's hand had been. "No, Daniel. I . . . " his voice broke but his mind ran wild. _I'm sorry. Daniel, I'm sorry. I don't -I didn't mean-_

Dan leaned against the shower wall to catch his breath and make sure his heart didn't leap out of his throat. He carded a hand through his hair and didn't look at Rorschach as he whispered, "Jesus." Walter began to die inside as he watched Daniel recede from him. Dan looked over to see Walter watching him with an expression of anguish. He knew there were new tears despite the tap water raining about them. _God, _he thought, _this might be more dangerous than I thought._ He rubbed his wrist and rose from the shower wall, inching away from Rorschach.

"No. No, buddy." he soothed. "This is my fault. This is wrong. It was wrong of me."

"No!" Walter sobbed. Daniel was still receding. _God, it hurt._ "No!" Trembling fingers scrabbled at Dan's arm, grasping like talons but falling away in fear of causing more harm. Dan flinched at the contact, much like Rorschach would. He'd received a black eye and now most assuredly his wrist would turn purple from being crushed in Rorschach's grip. Daniel's confidence in this endeavor was beginning to wane. Maybe he expected too much too soon.

Walter felt Daniel flinch away as he grabbed for him. "Daniel! Daniel!" he shrieked in a hoarse whisper as he began to panic. He managed to seize Dan's hand again and it felt stiffen with fear like a trapped rabbit. He pressed the knuckles to his face and began to weep openly over his mistake. "I didn't mean it! I don't know what happened . . . didn't mean it . . . didn't mean it . . . "

_God, but he's a wreck, _thought Dan. _I should have anticipated this._ Rorschach was always explosive. Daniel could always count on making some sort of misstep to accidentally offend Rorschach. Rorschach would blow up and leave and then would eventually sulk back to the Owl's Nest again when he had cooled off. That was their modus operandi. He should've seen it coming. It was just another repetition of their old pattern. He'd been afraid Rorschach would rip him limb from limb. Rorschach stood whispering and weeping into Dan's hand like his mother had just died. Dan's fear gave way to pity and then to guilt for shying away so easily. He turned back to encompass the trembling naked form that sought him, regretting the thought of ever leaving him. He ran his fingers through the damp red hair and then rested his cheek against it. Walter stilled as Daniel ran a thumb across his eyebrow gently. The showering rain beat down upon them.

"I know you can't help it, buddy." Dan whispered as he held his partner. "I know it's hard." He fell silent and then added presently, "I still love you. I always have."

Walter gave no answer. His head rested heavily against Daniel's neck.

Eventually, the water did begin to run tepid and Dan had silently begun to wash Rorschach again. His movements were slow and purposeful as if to say, "all has been forgiven." The effect of hands, Daniel's hands, bathing him was therapeutic and calming but also aroused other areas of interest that Walter had hoped were dead. When he tried to shrink away or cover himself Daniel would reassure, "Just don't pay any attention to it. Just forget it's there. Just relax." Dan himself was becoming pronounced in a way he didn't think was possible until now. The intimate beauty of Rorschach's bare soul was spiritually arousing. Dan thankfully had the sense to know that the soul and the flesh were united and when his pleasure became expressed bodily, he felt no shame. They chose to ignore it, each avoiding the flesh that projected rudely into their methodical ritual of ablution.

Walter felt that this is what Archie must feel like, if it felt at all. Strong caring hands working over him, cleaning him like he were a sacred object, disinfecting parts of him that were infected, purifying parts of him that were tainted. He stopped breathing when Daniel had reached down to lave suds into the auburn curls between his legs. He feared he might discharge right there but Daniel said low, "Easy. Easy. Almost done." and then turned to rinse him as if he were doing the dishes. Daniel hurried to wash Walter's hair and they finished just as the water began to get icy. Walter was dripping wet and shivering but Dan was prepared with a thick fluffy towel for each of them. He wrapped his towel around his waste and tenderly helped Walter dry himself before offering him his own robe. Walter knew he should feel embarrassed to be fussed over but he couldn't bring himself to despise the luxury. Daniel pulled the robe's collar high to Walter's neck, not wanting the man to be cold.

"I've got some things you can wear until I launder your suit." he said, "You can use my bedroom tonight. I'll grab the sofa."

"No, Daniel. Sofa is fine. I'll take the sofa."

"Rorschach, the sofa isn't as comfortable. Your back will be killing you by morning."

"Better than a park bench. What about your back, Daniel?"

"What the-park bench?! You're taking the goddamn bed. End of discussion."

Walter followed Daniel to his bedroom as Daniel readied it for him and gave him the smallest pair of pajamas he owned.


	7. In the Upper Room

Walter accepted the faded pajamas and quietly sat to himself at the end of the full bed as Daniel unfolded a few more blankets. He glanced slowly around the room at the recessed bookshelves filled with owl knick knacks and books, the darkened window and its tidy curtain, and a blanket chest near the door to what Walter thought may be a closet. His eyes fell back again over the random items on the bookshelf in front of him. A little pewter figure of an owl stared out over the ledge of the shelf. It sat next to a smaller ceramic one that was glazed with some sort of tobacco colored finish. Daniel chuckled softly in the background as he draped an extra blanket across the bed.

"You're probably thinking, how much owl stuff does this guy have?"

Walter didn't move his head but his eyes slid over to look at Daniel from a side-glance and then back to the owl figures. Daniel stepped over to pick up the little figures. He nervously talked to fill up the silence.

"Well, uh, I found this pewter owl in the sand on the playground one day when I was a kid. It's surprising the stuff you can find. Kid's sand boxes will probably be archeological gold mines for scientists in the future. I'd found marbles and jacks and one time a broken slingshot but I couldn't bring myself to discard this. Now it's been with me for years." He turned the tiny ceramic owl between the fingers of his other hand to inspect it. "This is one that my mother gave me. She loved Red Rose Tea and it was sort of a ritual every week when we went to the local grocer. She'd let me pick out the box so we could see what animal came in it. She said I was luckier so I should pick out the box. We got quite a few owls, actually. The rest are downstairs but this little guy stays up here. I gave the rest of the animals away a few years ago to a synagogue nursery up the street." he trailed off quietly. Walter was staring at the ceramic owl in his hands with rapt attention. Daniel didn't know why he felt his blank expression seemed to hold a slight twinge of sadness. He always debated whether or not Rorschach really listened when he ended up blathering on but seeing his face now, he must've really been listening to everything he'd said all along. He felt a flush in his cheeks and he cleared his throat.

"Sorry, I forget I ramble sometimes. Listen, I can go grab you a cup if you want some water by the night stand and the lamp is right here by the bed. The bathroom is right up the hall if you need it and you just help yourself to anything. I'll be downstairs on the sofa if you need-" he was going to say _me_ but in a last minute decision of self-censorship went with, "anything." Instantly, he felt a little ashamed at the decision but he didn't want to trigger another reaction from Rorschach. He placed the owls back on the shelf and tried to think of something else to say. He wished to stay and talk with Rorschach or just talk at him if that's all he'd allow, but he didn't want to overwhelm him either. He always relished the simple joy of companionship with another person. He knew this was the familiarity he enjoyed while patrolling with Rorschach.

"Um, well, goodnight buddy." he patted Rorschach's shoulder companionably and then hesitated. Awkwardly, he leaned down to kiss Rorschach's forehead. He was caught off guard when Rorschach reached out to grasp his other hand. As he leaned back, those same large eyes said what Rorschach's pride never let him. Truthfully, Dan didn't want to leave either. "I-I'll stay if you want me to," he murmured.

They held each other's gaze for a while as each grappled with his own sense of hope or rejection. Dan knelt slowly and placed his other hand atop those that were entwined. He stole himself to softly press his lips against the other man's. He found those lips pursing to kiss him back. Dan felt his heart hammering against his chest and he swore he could hear Rorschach's. He coursed his hands around the neck of the robe and dotted careful kisses to Rorschach's jaw line and neck. Against his better judgment, he spread the fabric of the robe open and kissed the scars that etched Rorschach's collarbone and sternum. The cigarette burns on the right shoulder had always disturbed him. He covered it with a kiss to clear it from his mind. He pressed his lips to the beautiful iron hued dapples that littered the soft pale skin and scattered beneath the dark auburn curls of chest hair. He bent to be closer from where he knelt on the bedroom floor and quaking knees parted haltingly to grant him proximity. He pressed a cheek to the warm shivering belly of his partner and felt a light hand thread into the hair on his scalp. He could hear Rorschach's heartbeat strong and fast through his abdomen. "I love you." he heard himself say. "I always have." He never got a verbal response but he didn't need one. He never had. The answer was plain in the way Rorschach allowed him close and hesitated to let go.

Gently, he unfolded the belt the robe and pressed his lips to the navel just inside it. Rorschach inhaled sharply and Daniel exhaled to warm the flesh that was now exposed. He nuzzled the thatch of bright springy curls that pressed around the tight swollen skin that sprung from within them. Fingers anchored into Dan's scalp as he kissed and suckled the swollen head that moistly wept from its slit. A choked gasp shuddered from Rorschach. It sounded like the broken release of a man who had been trammeled for a lifetime and then was suddenly devoid of his bonds. He was rapt with the sensation of light and pleasure as Daniel accepted him into his mouth. He felt something dart up his spine and he tried to shift away but Daniel held him fast. All Walter could do was gasp and shudder as Daniel nursed the cusp of his glans. Walter could smell the fragrance of Daniel's aftershave and feel his rough rhythmic massage. His back arched as a shock of pleasure burst up his spine. Daniel released him and grasped him firmly with his hand. He milked the seizures of pleasure until it hurt. Walter fell back onto the bed clawing fistfuls of the blanket and his legs hitched to fight him off but Daniel was gentle and stopped. He covered the sticky mess with his robe in tenderness and climbed from the floor to the bed. He gathered a drained and panting Rorschach to him and the two of them lay there wrapped up in silence and blankets. Walter couldn't understand why Daniel was grinning stupidly when it was he who had been serviced. He couldn't trouble himself to ponder it further. He was preoccupied with the post coital hum that resonated in himself and the feeling of Daniel's soft chin and lips between his thumb and index finger. This is how they fell asleep.

The strengthening glow of the morning sun must have awakened him and Daniel's bleary eyes cracked open to see Rorschach staring at him as they lay together. A twitch near his face told him Rorschach's hand is close and had been touching the aching flesh of his blackened eye. Now those fingertips rest on the steady heartbeat in his jugular. Dan blinks and focuses to mirror the gaze of the clear blue eyes that study him with earnest. Rorschach inhales deeply and then exhales. Dan is beginning to the think that Rorschach has been awake for a while and was waiting for him to rouse. It was as if there was something Rorschach needed to say.

"Walter."

The word dropped from his lips like a last shoe. Dan was puzzled at first and then his eyes cleared of sleep as he realized what just occurred. His fingertips brushed against the ruddy five o'clock shadow as he chose his words. "I love that name." he pulled the skinny man against him and rested his face closer to his, "Because it's yours."


End file.
